I’m Frustrated with Life… How About You??

I find myself in a strange situation, or I guess state of mind would be a better term for it.  I’m frustrated with life.  There isn’t just one thing I’m frustrated with, it is several small things that have become one big problem.  I can’t seem to put my finger on what is wrong, or when it started, but I know it has been coming on for a while.  I’m on my “happy” pills, and they are working, but for some reason not well enough.  Have you ever felt like if one more thing happens you are going to completely lose it?  Not sure what you’re going to lose, but you know it won’t be good.  I’m not one to throw or break things, as that just means I would have to find the money to replace the item, and I just am not wasteful that way.  I’m not a screamer, as throat surgery a few years back makes that painful.  I used to be a crier, but the pills have for the most part stopped that.  There are times when the waterworks would just flow, but now I sit there thinking this situation should really see me being more emotional, but I just don’t feel it.

I did read here a while back that if you take too much Tylenol (I think), that it makes you to where you just don’t care.  You’re not as empathetic as you used to be.  This is probably not a good thing as I take a combination of Tylenol and Aleve several times a day, as I am in chronic pain, and have been for years.  I have fibromyalgia, even though I don’t have a doctor who will give me that diagnosis.  Was told by one doctor that if your record shows fibro the rheumatologist will not see you, which I didn’t think was a good thing.  I mean I’ve never been to a rheumatologist, but if I ever need one, I want to make sure he will see me.  Over the years, I have had 3 car accidents where the other driver rear-ended me with 3 subsequent whiplash injuries, so my neck always hurts plus migraine headaches.  Not to mention, I have arthritis in just about every joint you can have it, so I am in pain, all the time.  Like they say, you have good days and bad days, but I don’t think that is the reason for my frustration…

Have you ever had to do something because you have to, but it takes every bit of your being to make yourself do it?  In my case it is a job, but I guess it could be anything in your life.  Seeing relatives you know don’t like you, but you know you have to make an appearance and be nice to them anyway?  I’m sure everyone has that one branch of the family you wish would fall off the tree and get thrown in the chipper machine.  Well, that might be a little extreme, maybe just picked up off the curb by the trash/brush truck.  A social or work shindig that you are “expected” to be at, even though they act like it’s not a big deal.  But, if you don’t show up you will hear about it on Monday.  Those things we do because we are adults and know that there are things we have to do that we may not like, but it is our responsibility to do it.  Not only do you have to do it, but you have to act like you are enjoying yourself, putting on that fake smile, making small talk, and thinking the whole time that you wished the smoke alarms would go off so you would have an excuse to leave.

The problem with having clinical depression is that you spend your life performing this balancing act of trying to show the world your “good self.”  The self that stays upbeat or smiles, puts on that show that everything is wonderful in the world, even though inside you just want to jump out of your own skin.  You feel like one more day of this job, or one more event or family get together, or whatever your trigger is, you are going to hit your last straw, last nerve, last whatever and then it will all come apart and it won’t be pretty.  The thing is once it gets to that point, not only do you scare yourself, you scare those around you, as they are wondering what is wrong with you.  What the heck happened for you to be acting like this, and usually they have no clue at all.  There are some whose family will call them drama queens, overly excitable, Debbie Downers, or whatever label they can come up with to explain your behavior.  Mine family just knows this is me, every once in a while I lose it, but give me time and I will be back to my old, happy self… Most people with deep depression are good actors. They put on a good front, but inside they are being held together with fraying ropes that are going to come apart any minute, that one last pull and the house of cards will collapse and they worry whether they will be able to come back from this time or is the house beyond repair.

I normally try to make my posts funny or lighthearted, but for some reason this one went to the dark side.  I know I’ve been hanging onto a job because most people would feel I would be dumb to resign, but if I don’t I’m not sure how much longer I can go before things get ugly… and that isn’t a place I really want to be.

If you are frustrated, depressed, feeling hopeless, not knowing where to turn, there are resources out there.  Find them, talk to someone, do something before you hit the abyss and can’t find your way out.  I promise my next post will be on something happier, like “the girls,” of which mine are probably to the age and size they should be called “the women,” but that just sound as good.  Till next time…

Depression…it’s that time of the year…

Upfront I’m going to say I am not a medical professional, doctor, counselor, etc. so any advice I give pertaining to depression is only from personal experience.  I am 54 and have been fighting depression for at least 35 years.  I also have loved ones, friends, etc. who deal with different types of depression, and I know what works for me and them, but if you know someone, or even yourself, that is talking about wanting to die, dig a hole and lie in it, find a bridge and jump, or other things that make you wonder, you need to get them/you help.  It isn’t like the old days when everyone knew Aunt Sally had mental issues, but no one talked about it, while she fell deeper and deeper into her depression.  There is still a lot of misinformation about depression, and someone who has never experienced it really has no idea of what you are going through.  They can be empathetic, but until someone goes through the debilitating condition of depression, no one can truly understand.  With that said, it is that time of the year when depression really seems to hit people.  I have gotten emails from people trying to figure out if a loved one is really depressed or how can they tell.  I have friends and acquaintances who are feeling down and are on the edge of just being blue and having depression.  I do believe it is something about this time of year.  Not only is it the holidays, but it is also a new year.

Part of the problem is everything you see or hear seems to talk about how the holidays are not complete unless you are with family and having the perfect holiday get together.  The kids come in from college and aunts and uncles come in and everyone meets at grandmother’s house and it is a big happy event.  Well, very few families can live up to that picture.  Some people have lost all their loved ones, either to death, distance, or being estranged either due to the other person or themselves, so when you see those commercials or hear your coworker talk about their big family events, it really could get a person down.  Even when you have all your family able to come together that doesn’t mean everything is going to be good.  For years we were happy when we were able to get through a family event with no fights, screaming, or other assorted issues.  Someone asked me how my Christmas was and I told them everyone got along, the food was good, and I got to see the grandkids, so it was a great day.  Sometimes that is all you can ask for.

The next problem is we are entering a new year.  This makes a lot of us think about all we didn’t accomplish in 2015.  How we are getting older and time is passing faster and faster, so if we don’t get our crap together we are going to find ourselves 10 years from now in the same situation, just 10 years older with less options.  That can really get a person to fall into a funk.  Then people do that whole stupid resolution thing.  You are just setting yourself up to fail on that one.  So, you are going to get in better shape, how are you going to do it?  Writing a vague list of things you want to change or do different in the next year is basically just writing a shopping list and then not going shopping.  Until you break those resolutions down into workable goals with time deadlines and a plan to make it happen, you are just asking for failure.  You have to be careful though when you set goals, as you don’t want to set goals so easy you can get them done 15 minutes from now, but then you sure don’t want a goal so difficult you couldn’t accomplish it in a year, let alone in a month or week.  One of my goals is to lose 50 pounds before the end of the year.  Good idea, but how am I going to accomplish that?  Am I going to keep doing the same thing I’m doing now up until December 20 and think I can starve for the next couple of weeks and make my goal?  Of course not.  I need to make a lifestyle change.  Do things differently daily, weekly, and monthly.  Have a plan written down of how much I’m going to work out each week, what will I eat daily, keep a food diary, etc., so I have the ability to fulfill my goal instead of at the end of 2016 wondering where the year went and still needing to lose at least 50 pounds.

But, I will get back on track here, when it comes to depression there are so many types that it really is hard to tell if your friend or loved one is depressed, unless they are so far in that they are not even functioning anymore. One of the emails I got this past week asked about hermit mode.  The person goes into hermit mode with some people but not others.  I gave them this quick overview on depression and thought it would be good information for others.  Just about everyone at some time in their life gets the “blues.”  That is when you just don’t feel like yourself.  Some people say they are in a funk.  They just aren’t happy.  They are focused on the negative and feel bad.  This can be brought on by anything from hormonal changes, the weather, etc.  There are some parts of the country where they have such long winters, short days, and gloomy days that people go into depression.  For this type of situation, they get special lights that mimic the sunlight.  They sit under it for so long per day and they get to feeling better.  Most people who are just blue don’t need medication.  They can still function, but are just not themselves.  They probably need to talk to their doctor, but most people should not be given drugs for the blues.

We then get into clinical depression, bipolar, etc., the conditions where the person is so deep into their depression they have lost all joy in their life.  They can’t get out of bed.  They quit taking care of themselves and normally when they get to this point they need medication.  With a bipolar they are either very high or very low and not much in between.  With your clinically depressed they will go into hermit mode not wanting to talk to anyone.  If they are not deep into their depression they may be able to function enough to go to work or do activities of daily living, talking only with those they have to, trying to make people think they are okay, but once they get home they shut the door and try to hide from the world.  But, this is just a short overview of different types of depression, as there are so many types of mental illness that if you or a loved one are acting different, withdrawn, strange, etc., then it may be time to find professional help.  Don’t forget there are a lot of online sites that have questionnaires that can help you figure out if you or a loved one do have a problem.  There are also hotlines to call if you feel like you can’t take it anymore, as nothing is so bad that it warrants taking your own life.  With that said, I promise my next blog post will be more uplifting and fun…  I may even talk about “the girls.”  Until next time….