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I find myself in a strange situation, or I guess state of mind would be a better term for it.  I’m frustrated with life.  There isn’t just one thing I’m frustrated with, it is several small things that have become one big problem.  I can’t seem to put my finger onImage result for frustrated with life what is wrong, or when it started, but I know it has been coming on for a while.  I’m on my “happy” pills, and they are working, but for some reason not well enough.  Have you ever felt like if one more thing happens you are going to completely lose it?  Not sure what you’re going to lose, but you know it won’t be good.  I’m not one to throw or break things, as that just means I would have to find the money to replace the item, and I just am not wasteful that way.  I’m not a screamer, as throat surgery a few years back makes that painful.  I used to be a crier, but the pills have for the most part stopped that.  There are times when the waterworks would just flow, but now I sit there thinking this situation should really see me being more emotional, but I just don’t feel it.

I did read here a while back that if you take too much Tylenol (I think), that it makes you to where you just don’t care.  You’re not as empathetic as you used to be.  This is probably not a good thing as I take a combination of Tylenol and Aleve several times a day, as I am in chronic pain, and have been for years.  I have fibromyalgia, even though I don’t have a doctor who will give me that diagnosis.  Was told by one doctor that if your record shows fibro the rheumatologist will not see you, which I didn’t think was a good thing.  I mean I’ve never been to a rheumatologist, but if I ever need one, I want to make sure he will see me.  Over the years, I have had 3 car accidents where the other driver rear-ended me with 3 subsequent whiplash injuries, so my neck always hurts plus migraine headaches.  Not to mention, I have arthritis in just about every joint you can have it, so I am in pain, all the time.  Like they say, you have good days and bad days, but I don’t think that is the reason for my frustration…

Have you ever had to do something because you have to, but it takes every bit of your being to make yourself do it?  In my case it is a job, but I guess it could be anything in your life.  Seeing relatives you know don’t like you, but you know you have to make an appearance and be nice to them anyway?  I’m sure everyone has that one branch of the family you wish would fall off the tree and get thrown in the chipper machine.  Well, that might be a little extreme, maybe just picked up off the curb by the trash/brush truck.  A social or work shindig that you are “expected” to be at, even though they act like it’s not a big deal.  But, if you don’t show up you will hear about it on Monday.  Those things we do because we are adults and know that there are things we have to do that we may not like, but it is our responsibility to do it.  Not only do you have to do it, but you have to act like you are enjoying yourself, putting on that fake smile, making small talk, and thinking the whole time that you wished the smoke alarms would go off so you would have an excuse to leave.

The problem with having clinical depression is that you spend your life performing this balancing act of trying to show the world your “good self.”  The self that stays upbeat or smiles, puts on that show that everything is wonderful in the world, even though inside you just want to jump out of your own skin.  You feel like one more day of this job, or one more event or family get together, or whatever your trigger is, you are going to hit your last straw, last nerve, last whatever and then it will all come apart and it won’t be pretty.  The thing is once it gets to that point, not only do you scare yourself, you scare those around you, as they are wondering what is wrong with you.  What the heck happened for you to be acting like this, and usually they have no clue at all.  There are some whose family will call them drama queens, overly excitable, Debbie Downers, or whatever label they can come up with to explain your behavior.  Mine family just knows this is me, every once in a while I lose it, but give me time and I will be back to my old, happy self… Most people with deep depression are good actors. They put on a good front, but inside they are being held together with fraying ropes that are going to come apart any minute, that one last pull and the house of cards will collapse and they worry whether they will be able to come back from this time or is the house beyond repair.

I normally try to make my posts funny or lighthearted, but for some reason this one went to the dark side.  I know I’ve been hanging onto a job because most people would feel I would be dumb to resign, but if I don’t I’m not sure how much longer I can go before things get ugly… and that isn’t a place I really want to be.

If you are frustrated, depressed, feeling hopeless, not knowing where to turn, there are resources out there.  Find them, talk to someone, do something before you hit the abyss and can’t find your way out.  I promise my next post will be on something happier, like “the girls,” of which mine are probably to the age and size they should be called “the women,” but that just sound as good.  Till next time…

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