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Photo – Michelle Lord 2018

Earlier this year we went on a trip to Colorado.  We ended up in Colorado Spring, the scenery was beautiful, and I went into my first dispensary, but that is for another blog post.  One of my most favorite foods is anything Tex Mex.  I love Mexican food.  I am a connoisseur of tortilla chips.  Of course earlier this year I decided it was time to lose weight and Mexican food is not something that really works when you are going high protein, low carbs, but every couple of weeks I have a “cheat day” and go to the local Mexican restaurant.  I plan out my calories, but no matter what I do I end up going over, but I guess that is why it is a “cheat day.”  Back to Colorado… While we were there we met a couple we knew, who used to live in Texas, and of course, we decided to meet at the local Mexican place.  I normally do not eat Mexican food on a trip out of Texas, as you never know what type of food you are going to get, so instead of chancing it I stick with what is native to the area.

So, you are probably wondering where I am going with this.  We all met at this little hole in the wall Mexican restaurant.  It had your normal decor and the food was good, a bit different from what I was used to.  Ordered a Chimichanga and it was sitting in a strange sauce, but it was good.  Personally, I like my Chimichangas served without sauce on them but sour cream and guacamole on the side.  At some point in the dinner I needed to go make a pit stop and when I opened the door to the lady’s bathroom I had a bit of a shock.  The bathroom was a very small, single stall but there were two toilets.  As you can see in the picture these toilets were really close together.  One had the toilet paper on the right and the other had the paper on the left.  I stood there for a moment trying to figure out first off why there were these two toilets in this little bathroom and then if they were trying to accommodate right=handed and left-handed people.   I have been in a lot of bathrooms over the years, but this one was one of the strangest I had ever seen.  It was clean and smelled good, which is a good thing, just weird.

This made me wonder, who would be comfortable sharing this bathroom with another person?  I am very modest so I wouldn’t share with anyone, but I am sure there are women out there who wouldn’t mind.  Who would you be comfortable with sharing this bathroom with?  Would it be your sister or mother?  I am an only child, so I have no idea what type of dynamics work between siblings, but I think if I did have a sister I still wouldn’t share the bathroom with them.  How about your mother or grandmother?  Would you share it with your BFF or other girls you are comfortable around?  I just have an issue sharing a bathroom with anyone if they are able to watch me go.  Personally, I don’t want to have a conversation while I am taking care of my bodily function, gives me performance anxiety I guess.

I then wondered if the city code said they must have two toilets for the capacity of the restaurant, so they shoved two toilets in this little bathroom to be compliant.  I still think though that even code compliance would think those two toilets in that little space isn’t a good idea, we are talking about the government though.  One would think they would need to meet handicap accessible codes more than how many toilets they have.  I guess I could have asked, but that seemed too weird.

When it comes to restrooms, I just want them to be clean, have plenty of toilet paper, and a door or curtain to where I can close myself in and not worry about other people seeing me do my business.  I’m sure there are other bathrooms out there that are stranger than this one, but out of all the bathrooms I have visited, this one has to be the weirdest.  How about you?  Seen any strange bathrooms that made you wonder, “Why did they do that?”  Feel free to post your comments below.  Till next time…

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Photo by Michelle Lord 2018

About a week ago I decided it was time to see the doctor again.  My bad days were more frequent than my good ones.  When you deal with depression you know that means a downward slide is not far away.  I had a few clues…  I was really close to shaving my head for real.  I had really gotten one of those I don’t care attitudes, which isn’t good when you work in customer service.  At least most of my days recently have been answering emails and doing chat, so no actual speaking to customers.  That is a good thing when all you want to do is tell the customers where to go.  Not easy to keep your job when you are insulting the paying customers.  Even though, I have found that there are a lot of whiney people out there.  It is like they have this attitude of entitlement.  Oh, UPS lost my package; you need to give me discounts or money back for my inconvenience.  I mean one customer was in a complete meltdown because their tufted button storage bench was missing a button.  A button… I mean really.  I offered her a replacement, no shipping fees, etc., still not enough.  They wanted to be compensated for their inconvenience and for us ruining their new redecorated home by this one piece of furniture.  If I hear one more time, “That’s not fair,” I am going to pull my hair out.  I guess I wouldn’t need to shave my head if I started pulling out my hair.  I don’t think that would be a smart idea.

 

Due to my bad days, and generally not feeling comfortable in my own skin, I went to see my primary care doctor.  After a long discussion on the fact that no, I’m not suicidal, but my moods are really affecting my ability to work, we added a new pill to my regimen.  Not thrilled about that, as now that is the third part of my drug regimen, but I am actually starting to feel better.  This last downhill slide really caused me to question if I am going to be able to continue to work.  When you are sitting in front of your computer, answering chats, and then you sit there and think, “I don’t know if I can keep doing this,” then depression is starting to affect your lifestyle, your ability to pay bills, and even function in this world.  What is really hard though is when people ask you what your problem is.  Why are you acting like this?  What is your deal?  Get over yourself   People say this because they don’t understand how you feel, as it isn’t something that is physical.  When you have physical illness there is something to see, rash on the skin, swelled joints, braces on a joint, but mental illness can only be seen in the actions of people who suffer from it.  The problem is when people who are really depressed hit bottom to where others are starting to notice it is normally after they try to hurt themselves or are no longer functioning in society.

What people need to do is stop acting like depression just means you are a bit down.  Something people say they have to get disability or use an excuse to get out of something.  How do you explain to a person that you can’t even stand yourself?  The days when you sit staring at your computer screen knowing you need to work, but you can’t.  I do know my triggers are holidays.  I say this year I’m not going to care about Christmas and most of the family isn’t talking to me.  Oh Mother’s Day, just another commercial holiday, but when the kids barely acknowledge you, it kind of hurts.  We have never really been into holidays, but sometimes just getting together as a family somewhere helps immensely.  I can understand why suicide rates go up during the holiday season.  You see stories of these families that every year they can’t wait to get together; the TV shows where everything is wonderful, which most of it is not realistic, but that is a standard a lot of people think they need to strive for.  When your kids won’t talk to you and the rest of your relatives don’t really know who you are, kind of hard to have a Hallmark Christmas.

 

The thing about depression is it is still something people just don’t like to discuss.  I remember back when I was growing up everybody knew Aunt Suzy had a problem, but everyone ignored it, that was just the way she acted.  The truth is Aunt Suzy was actually bipolar, and really needed help, but you just didn’t talk about back then.  We really though don’t talk about it now either.  We joke about people taking their “happy pills.”  I even joke about how you better hope I’m on my “happy pills,” as me not on my pills isn’t a pleasant experience.  Most people who have contact with me probably have no idea I’m on antidepressants, as I have been able to put on a mask.  The mask of pleasant, easy-going Michelle, covering the inner me that just wants to smack someone in the face, scream out loud, or just find a dark space and hide.  I am pretty sure everyone has someone in their life that is doing a good job of hiding their depression, but there are signs if you look deep enough.  Sometimes someone actually wanting to know how you are feeling can make a big difference.

I guess my point is people need to feel more comfortable talking about mental illness.  It is real, just as real as heart disease and diabetes, but when it comes to illness of the mind it is harder to prove.  If a loved one seems down, not interested in things they used to enjoy, isn’t really communicating, maybe you need to take the time to listen to what they aren’t saying, as their actions are speaking volumes.  Until next time…

 

The first weekend of February 2018, my hubby and I went to Colorado Springs, happytowerCO, to meet some friends and do some sightseeing.  Of course, I found several local cemeteries to explore, but also had to look at the beautiful scenery in Colorado.  This was my first time to visit so made sure I had plenty of memory cards and jump drives to store my pics.

I am one of those people though who see faces in everything, i.e. rocks, jelly lids, dirt on the sidewalk, clouds, you name it, I can find a face in it.  The first thing I saw was an older person’s face in the top portion of this rock formation with a crooked smile.  Can you see it?  But, when I mentioned what I saw my husband had another idea.  He thought it looked like a rock penis.  I guess I can see it, but why was that the first thing he saw?  Is it a guy thing?  Is because it does have a phallic look to it?  I don’t know, but I saw it too after the fact.

My question is why do guys normally see things in a sexual way and girls see the opposite?  I guess there are probably a lot of ladies who saw the rock penis, but I would hope more than just me saw the happy face.  But, leave it to me to find a funky rock formation to take pictures of and then post it…  I’m curious though, please comment and let me know what you see!  Until next time.

 

 

 

 

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Last week my hubby and I went on an overnight trip to a local casino for his birthday.  When we got home, on Friday, I found my 15-year-old male Chihuahua Speedy lying in his favorite spot and he had passed. He took his trip over the Rainbow Bridge as they say. He was an old dog, had always been very thin, but seemed to be in good health. We knew any dog at that age it was inevitable that time was running short, but it was a shock. Now almost a week later I still look for him. He used to sleep right up next to me at night and now I wake up wondering where he is and then it hits me, he’s gone. Unless you have had an animal you truly loved, I don’t think a person can understand how bad it hurts. Some people look at dogs or other animals as something that is in this world but couldn’t really care less what happens to them. You have those people who can’t understand why people love their pets so or how they can say that they love the pets more than people. I guess it is weird that you could love a furry friend more than a human, but it is true. A dog loves you no matter what. They love you when you are hurting. They love you no matter how you treat them, but if you love them, they will more than reciprocate that feeling. How can you not have love for a pet that has sat in your lap or slept with you for years? A pet acts excited to see you whether you have just been in the other room or gone for a week, they still can’t wait to jump in your lap and say hello. This little animal can tell when your sad or happy and they act accordingly. Unless you have loved a pet, you just don’t understand.

I was going to write my farewell to Speedy last week right after it happened, but I just couldn’t bring myself to it. Speedy was born to our female Lady who passed two years ago to cancer. I was there when he was born. I made sure she was able to take care of him and then we watched him grow into an adult. At the time, we were raising and selling puppies and he was my stud, which is how he got the name Speedy. When he was a puppy it was because he was fast, but as an adult, he knew when the girls were in heat before I did. For some reason, though, he was always a thin dog. I told him he sure didn’t belong in our family because none of us were thin, but any vet I took him to told us it was just his metabolism. Even after his stud days were gone the weight never did come, but he was a happy dog. He was an affection hog and would knock the other dogs out of his way to make sure he got our attention.

Now we only have one of our original Chihuahuas left and that is “zombie dog” Sassy. She will be 13 this year, is blind and toothless, so we will just continue to love on her until her day comes. Who knows, she could live to be 16, you just never know.

For those of you who have lost your furry friend, I can feel your pain. We can take solace in know that they have crossed the Rainbow Bridge and are now playing with their friends that went before them over fields of grass and pools of water, living out their lives with no pain. All I can hope is when the day comes for me to go home that they will be there waiting for me… R.I.P. little buddy Speedy… Until next time…

IMAG0744I have a little two-pound chihuahua who will be 13 years old in May 2018. She is a little bugger with white fur and a few brown spots, most notably is the spot that looks like an upside down heart on her back. She is a feisty little thing who apparently has small dog syndrome because she thinks she is a pit bull.  She takes on other dogs no matter how large they are.  This the reason I rarely take her out of the house. It is also the reason I had to make a tiny little muzzle for her.  For some reason, people see her and think she is so cute and little that they have to pet her, but I never know when her bad side is going to come out, so better safe than sorry. I have to admit we get some crazy looks from people when they go to pet her and then see the muzzle, they pull their hand back in midair and say what? That is when I have to go into my speech that I never know who she is going to like or not, so it is for your own protection, which is kind of sad, but true.

Sadly though, about three months ago I realized she had in a very short time gone completely blind. Her eyes that used to glow red in a certain light now look like white clouded over circles. I jokingly say she has become a zombie, as she has no teeth and now has these zombie’s eyes. It is kind of creepy. She seems to be doing well though. I had someone ask if I was going to put her down because of her blindness and I said no because I was going to wait and see how she got along, if she was able to adapt, and if she still had a good quality of life. The thing is, she is actually doing quite well. What helps is we have lived in the same house for the past almost 13 years, so she basically grew up here. The first couple of weeks were rough. She walked until she ran into something, bounces off and then goes a different direction until she ran into something else, and off she would go. As long as no doors are open that she isn’t used to she can make from the bedroom to the kitchen and back fairly well. I have thought about getting her a helmet as she really does hit hard sometimes, but I really think she would spend more time trying to get the helmet off than doing anything else. She has her path and as long as it is free of any obstacles she is fine.

What still bugs me though is her eyes. I guess I have seen too many zombie movies, but I really think she looks like a zombie dog. The writer in me keeps trying to figure out how to fit her into a story. She could be a zombie hunter, who can sniff out others like herself. She could also be an evil dog that bites people’s ankles and turns them into zombies. Maybe they ought to use her on the Walking Dead as one of the character’s dogs, or even the show Freakish, she really would make a very interesting new character. Just think about it, here is this little two-pound miniature dog who growls at everything, thinks she is 100 pounds, hangs off pit bull neck skin swinging back and forth, then add the zombie eyes to the mix, and there you go. She would probably be one of the most interesting characters on TV right now. She would then try to melt hearts by sitting all prim and proper with her front little paws crossed looking really pitiful to where she can get whatever she wants. I wonder if she is smarter than we think and is just playing us all with her pitiful self to get all the attention she can grab. Hmmm, I bet she is currently thinking of ways to make me feel bad so I will give her a snack… Little smarty butt… Until next time…

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It is that time of the year again… time to say goodbye to the old year and bring in the new. 2017 is finally over. It wasn’t a horrible year, but it definitely had its ups and downs. I’m not the only person who seems to feel this way. I have heard many people say they are so glad this year is over. Time for something new. A new year to try to do what we didn’t get accomplished the year before. I do hope 2018 is better than 2017. Don’t get me wrong, there were a lot of good things that happened this year. We went on our anniversary cruise in November. I finally left my profession of medical transcription after 17 years, which that was something I probably should have done way before I did. I was able to land a job as a customer service rep for a great company that I can also work from home for. That was the main reason I stayed at medical transcription so long is it was one of those jobs where most of us worked from home. Problem is pay had gotten so low I was barely able to make minimum wage and I knew I had to make a change. Yes, I have to deal with some very upset customers, but there are some really nice people also. Plus, I have four weeks of vacation per year that they make sure you take. I’ve never worked anywhere that they encouraged you to take time off. In our departmental meetings, we are told to make sure we don’t forget to use our vacation, it is just weird. I was an independent contractor for over 10 years, so vacations, benefits, etc. were not in my vocabulary. I’m still trying to get used to it.

As far as the rest of the year, we had some family problems that are still needing to be worked through, but that is nothing new for this group. There were also the health issues, but those have been a part of our lives for quite a while. I’m not really sure how I really feel about a new year, but you can’t stop time and you either learn to accept that or live in a delusional world all your own. But, what is really important, is to make a plan so 2018 doesn’t pass by and then on December 31, 2018, we aren’t sitting here wondering where the time went and looking at all the things we didn’t get accomplished.

I am doing something a little different this year. I have ordered a 2018 Law of Abundance planner. This is one of those planners that start with you figuring out exactly what you want to accomplish in the upcoming year. You write down your plans, why you want to accomplish them and how you are going to accomplish them. Once you have set out your short and long-term goals you then make a plan to accomplish them. A roadmap for the year that you can follow, rewrite as needed, and then make weekly and monthly assessments and readjustments to make sure you still want to continue on that path or if it needs to break off into a different goal. As they say, if you don’t plan, you are planning to fail, or something like that. I know this is important for me, as I have so much I want to do that I get overwhelmed and end up doing nothing, which then frustrates me and then I just want to give up. I have always admired those people who know exactly what they want to do. They have known since they were little kids what they were going to become and then they persisted until their dreams came true. Now I know some of those people ended up never achieving success and then had no idea what to do with their life after that, as they had no plan B. But, sometimes I think it is good to not have a plan B, C, or D. If you have nothing else you can do or want to do then you have to keep persisting until something happens.

When you are a person who wants to do a lot of things or is good at several different things, then if one thing doesn’t work you go to the next. The problem with this is that mindset gives you an out. Oh, this didn’t work out, well I will just move on to this other path, or you have all these different things going on at once and wonder why you have nothing finished, just a bunch of half done projects. Once you sit down to see what stage everything is in you want to give up as there is so much undone it can overwhelm you. That is where I end up a lot. One of those situations where you see all this stuff, you organize all of it, you plan it all out, but finally, you see you have nothing complete, nothing is working like it should, so you just stop as you have no idea of what you should even be doing. That is why this year I am starting a planner, a roadmap to what my most important goals are, why I want to accomplish them, and then reasonable steps to achieve them. I would suggest to you that if you are wanting to truly make 2018 the year that you see your dreams coming true or that book finally written or whatever you have been wanting to do that you get you a good planner, one that works for you, and then take the time daily, weekly, monthly to set up what needs to be done and then follow your plan. If you get sidetracked don’t worry about it. Acknowledge it and move on.

Find a plan, method, or something that will help you setup 2018 to be the best year yet – the year you finally make progress towards your dreams. Until next time…

It has been a while since my last post I must admit.  For some reasangelandbirdnewon, this blog hasn’t been as important to me these past few months.  Late in 2016, I renewed my love for photography.  I have been taking pictures for as long I can remember.  When I was about 11 or so I had entered my photographs in the State Fair of Indiana.  I came in reserve best in show because the judges said a person of my age couldn’t have taken pictures that good.  But, after getting married, having kids, it seems as though life just kind of got in the way.  I would take pictures here and there, but they were mostly for my art dolls, purses, and other things I was working on, so taking the pictures was just something that needed to be done, not something I truly enjoyed.

Then I started researching digital cameras, how to sell stock photos, and started looking for my niche, what I find interesting and really wanted to spend time photographing.  After much thought, I realized I am fascinated with gravestones/statues/lost and forgotten things.  I then started my quest to find graveyard angels, the cute but sometimes sad little people who spend their days and nights watching over the dead.  They can be little cherubs sitting on the headstone to life-size angles that are standing over or slumped over the grave.  When you start reading the headstones it can be so interesting.  You begin to wonder what their life was like, why they have the gravestones they have, and who they were, what they liked, and what got them to where they are now.  The most touching are the graves of the young.  The babies who only lived a few hours or the children who spent such a short time on this earth.  You can normally recognize a child’s grave as loved ones will leave toys and other trinkets to keep them company.

Another thing I love to take pictures of would be old and abandoned buildings.  I wish I was younger, as at this age being able to climb in through windows and running away from the scene is just really out of my physical ability.  Urban exploring as a photographer lends itself to such interesting photos.  I do though find older buildings, abandoned cars, and other forgotten things to photograph.  There is really such beauty in the ways old things start to decay.  The plants that overtake the structure, the rotting of the wood and how nature takes back the abandoned.  These forgotten places make a person wonder why are they in this shape, what were the people who lived there like, why did they leave, and will the place ever be a usable building again?

If you are curious about what I’ve been taking pictures of check me out at michellelord.com.   You can even buy a print…  Is there something you used to like to do but haven’t in a while?  Something you have always wanted to try?  Well, you aren’t getting any younger so you might as well take the time and get to it.  Until next time…

 

It really seems like I get longer and longer between my posts to this blog. Not sure why, maybe it is just life getting in the way, but it is probably time to start getting more consistent with this blog thing, as I have a lot to say, just need to put into words.

So, what is my rant today? Not sure. I have thought about a lot of things. How our President is doing in his first 100 days.

I have to admit he isntarget-1551490_640‘t my favorite person, but he has done lot of what he promised, so you have to give him some points on that. I could talk about some congress person  who is trying to pass a bill that certain types of sex is illegal, but my question is how do you know what I am doing in the privacy of my own bedroom? Are you really bugging and filming all Americans and we don’t know it? Kind of makes you think. I could talk about my attempts at growing veggies, and how after two years I think maybe I have figured out how not to do it, so now I just need to stop and try the exact opposite. I mean that would make sense, don’t you think. How about the state that is trying to pass a law where if someone breaks into your house and tries to kill you, but you kill them first, that if he lives he can sue you or if he dies the family can sue you? That has to be one of the stupidest things I have heard in a long time. I have a right to defend myself on my property. The minute you come into my house uninvited or with intent to do me or my family harm, you deserve whatever happens to you and your family doesn’t deserve a dime. What are some of these politicians thinking, or maybe that is the problem, they aren’t.

Maybe I ought to write about how with it now in the month of April, that I am finally making my goals for the year. A little behind you might say. Which, wouldn’t be a lie. I have for the past who knows how many years have said I am going to start writing this year. I am finally going to write short stories, novellas, where ever the characters take me and guess what? I still have nothing to publish. You know why? Because I was doing my goal setting completely wrong. If you make a list of what you are going to do, i.e. lose weight, write a book, get my degree, you are making such vague goals you are never going to accomplish them. I was reading an e-book the other day on how writers need to set goals. One of the main points is you can only make goals that can be done by you and need no outside force to complete. You can’t say, I’m going to 100 books this year, as you are depending on 100 people you don’t know to find your book and buy it, so you just set yourself up to fail. Now you can say I’m going to write 1000 words or 10 pages a day, then you are getting closer. You have given yourself steps to succeed, but you haven’t put anything in place to help you when you mess up and aren’t able to write for a couple of days.

What you really need to do is identify what is taking your time away from your writing or goal. Is it too much social media, too many TV shows, or whatever it is that you find yourself doing instead of writing? I know mine is too much TV. I like my TV. I grew up with the TV. It was my friend, my babysitter, and now if I start a show, I have to know how it ends. If I don’t know how it ends I spend the next four hours figuring out all sorts of alternative endings, where if I had just sat down and finished the show, I wouldn’t be wasting more time doing “what if.” Of course, if I never started the show and went in and started writing, I probably could have gotten at least 1000 words written in an hour or so instead. I also find myself needing to do research on one thing and an hour later I not only didn’t find the answer I needed, I ended up catching up on Facebook, looking up obscure websites on certain maladies, or any other host of different things that have nothing to do what I originally decided to do. Sound familiar to you?

I will admit, I’m far from an expert on how to truly set and finish goals, but I have a lot of experience in what not to do, as I am one heck of a procrastinating, scattered, easily distracted, and completely confused writer, so don’t do as I say, take my example and do the exact opposite… Till next time…

Image result for happy new year 2017Well, Happy New Years…  Here comes 2017, a new year, new possibilities, and will we make the best of it?  It is so hard to believe 2016 is gone.  I’m still sitting here wondering what happened to it.  The holidays were kind of surreal to a point.  I don’t know if it is because both Christmas and New Years were on a Sunday and then the holiday was celebrated on the following Monday just really has me off kilter.  My question is why do we need to take off the Monday when the holiday was already over?  Do people really need to take that day off?  What about us who work a weird schedule and Monday is already our day off?  I do know I was sitting at Christmas lunch with the family and it just didn’t feel like Christmas.  I know I live in Texas and it was in the 70s, and we were sitting outside, but the whole year of 2016 was a bit weird.

What I do know is I need to get my goals in writing for the new year.  I have never believed in resolutions.  Honestly, what is a resolution other than a hope or wish that has no plan?  Most people barely get two weeks into January before they have given up or forgot what their resolution even was.  What we need to do is make goals.  Goals are something you put in writing and then make a plan on how you are going to make them work.  Let’s say you want to lose 40 pounds.  Okay, good goal, but how are you going to do that?  You then make your short, medium and long-term plans on how you will make that happen.  Short term, lose five pounds in one month, medium 20 pounds within six months, and long term is by this time next year you will have lost the weight.  Now, just putting that down on paper is a start, but it still isn’t a goal.  To be a true goal you now need to put down the steps to get there.  Choose your diet, plan your meals, set a certain amount of time each week to exercise, and then you put these steps to the medium and long term goals also.  You should sit and do this type of planning to every goal you have for the new year, whether it be personal, financial, or business.  One thing I did was Google goal planning templates and the search came up with many free or very inexpensive forms to help you figure out how and what you really want to do, and then a plan to make it happen.  A lot of people try to set goals that are too hard to obtain and then when they fail they just give up.  Remember they should not be so simple that you barely have to work obtain the goal, but it shouldn’t be so hard that there is no way to obtain it.  Don’t set yourself up to fail by making goals that are unrealistic.

I know last January I said that 2016 was the year I was going to start writing fiction.  Guess what, I have like five or six different half started books that now I have no idea where I was even going with the story.  I just said it was the year for fiction writing, I didn’t make exact goals to get there.  Exact goals would have been a short story each week, or so many words written per week, or something that I can accomplish that is not dependent on someone else doing something…  The goal needs to be something tangible and related to you and your wants and skill set.

I am currently still working on my goals for the year.  I’m trying to make sure I am setting up goals that I can work towards, a plan for 2017, so on New Year’s day 2018, I’m not sitting in the same place I am today wondering what happened to the past year and why I didn’t get anything accomplished that I had planned to do.  Until next time…

I find myself in a strange situation, or I guess state of mind would be a better term for it.  I’m frustrated with life.  There isn’t just one thing I’m frustrated with, it is several small things that have become one big problem.  I can’t seem to put my finger onImage result for frustrated with life what is wrong, or when it started, but I know it has been coming on for a while.  I’m on my “happy” pills, and they are working, but for some reason not well enough.  Have you ever felt like if one more thing happens you are going to completely lose it?  Not sure what you’re going to lose, but you know it won’t be good.  I’m not one to throw or break things, as that just means I would have to find the money to replace the item, and I just am not wasteful that way.  I’m not a screamer, as throat surgery a few years back makes that painful.  I used to be a crier, but the pills have for the most part stopped that.  There are times when the waterworks would just flow, but now I sit there thinking this situation should really see me being more emotional, but I just don’t feel it.

I did read here a while back that if you take too much Tylenol (I think), that it makes you to where you just don’t care.  You’re not as empathetic as you used to be.  This is probably not a good thing as I take a combination of Tylenol and Aleve several times a day, as I am in chronic pain, and have been for years.  I have fibromyalgia, even though I don’t have a doctor who will give me that diagnosis.  Was told by one doctor that if your record shows fibro the rheumatologist will not see you, which I didn’t think was a good thing.  I mean I’ve never been to a rheumatologist, but if I ever need one, I want to make sure he will see me.  Over the years, I have had 3 car accidents where the other driver rear-ended me with 3 subsequent whiplash injuries, so my neck always hurts plus migraine headaches.  Not to mention, I have arthritis in just about every joint you can have it, so I am in pain, all the time.  Like they say, you have good days and bad days, but I don’t think that is the reason for my frustration…

Have you ever had to do something because you have to, but it takes every bit of your being to make yourself do it?  In my case it is a job, but I guess it could be anything in your life.  Seeing relatives you know don’t like you, but you know you have to make an appearance and be nice to them anyway?  I’m sure everyone has that one branch of the family you wish would fall off the tree and get thrown in the chipper machine.  Well, that might be a little extreme, maybe just picked up off the curb by the trash/brush truck.  A social or work shindig that you are “expected” to be at, even though they act like it’s not a big deal.  But, if you don’t show up you will hear about it on Monday.  Those things we do because we are adults and know that there are things we have to do that we may not like, but it is our responsibility to do it.  Not only do you have to do it, but you have to act like you are enjoying yourself, putting on that fake smile, making small talk, and thinking the whole time that you wished the smoke alarms would go off so you would have an excuse to leave.

The problem with having clinical depression is that you spend your life performing this balancing act of trying to show the world your “good self.”  The self that stays upbeat or smiles, puts on that show that everything is wonderful in the world, even though inside you just want to jump out of your own skin.  You feel like one more day of this job, or one more event or family get together, or whatever your trigger is, you are going to hit your last straw, last nerve, last whatever and then it will all come apart and it won’t be pretty.  The thing is once it gets to that point, not only do you scare yourself, you scare those around you, as they are wondering what is wrong with you.  What the heck happened for you to be acting like this, and usually they have no clue at all.  There are some whose family will call them drama queens, overly excitable, Debbie Downers, or whatever label they can come up with to explain your behavior.  Mine family just knows this is me, every once in a while I lose it, but give me time and I will be back to my old, happy self… Most people with deep depression are good actors. They put on a good front, but inside they are being held together with fraying ropes that are going to come apart any minute, that one last pull and the house of cards will collapse and they worry whether they will be able to come back from this time or is the house beyond repair.

I normally try to make my posts funny or lighthearted, but for some reason this one went to the dark side.  I know I’ve been hanging onto a job because most people would feel I would be dumb to resign, but if I don’t I’m not sure how much longer I can go before things get ugly… and that isn’t a place I really want to be.

If you are frustrated, depressed, feeling hopeless, not knowing where to turn, there are resources out there.  Find them, talk to someone, do something before you hit the abyss and can’t find your way out.  I promise my next post will be on something happier, like “the girls,” of which mine are probably to the age and size they should be called “the women,” but that just sound as good.  Till next time…

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