****This is just thoughts from my eclectic mind. Any resemblance to persons living or passed is just a coincidence.**Image**

 

I saw a picture of you today. You looked good. You looked happy. It looks like life is treating you well. I guess I don’t ever cross your mind anymore. I am told by family and friends to let you go. When the time is right you will make your move and let me know you want to come back into my life. Doing that is harder than one would think. The rest of the family refers to you as the “one who shall remain nameless” or say when asked that they don’t have a brother or son. I can’t do this. I am your mother. I gave birth to you. I watched you grow. I was there for your first steps, first day at school, and watched you grow into the man you are now. I admit along the way I made mistakes. I was a young mother trying to figure out how to be a wife, mother, breadwinner, etc. I was being told by so many people how to take care of you and your siblings, what I should and shouldn’t do, but did the best I could do with what I was given. I am sure you feel there were things I could have done differently. I wish I had done a lot of things different, but I always loved you and wanted the best for you. When we had our issue that caused you to decide to cut me out of my life I thought that we would give it a week and things would be good. You know, families have issues. We argue and say things we shouldn’t, but then things blow over, we say we are sorry and life goes on. Problem is the days turned into weeks which turned into months and now into years.

There is not a day I do not think of you, wonder how you are doing, what your plans are in life. Wonder if your job is going good or if you are even at the same place you were when you told me you weren’t sure if you ever wanted me in your life again. That day cut me deep, scarred my heart, and has left a void I have no idea how to fill. It is like when a loved one dies and no matter what you do there is always going to be an empty place in your heart, your life, your soul where that person was, and that is the way I feel about you. I have tried to let you go, let you live your life and try to be like others who seem to have been able to write you off and go on and live their lives. I wish it was that easy. I hope your life is what you wanted. Do you ever think of us? Do you ever pick up the phone and think about calling, texting, sending us a message? On Mother’s Day did you think about contacting me? I thought about you. I actually had a breakdown over thinking about you. You say my last words hurt you deep, do you have any idea how your silence is hurting me more? I don’t understand and guess I never will. Have you even read my birthday, anniversary, and holiday wishes to you? I have sent them and truly do mean them.

After all this I still wish you a wonderful life full of joy. I pray you and your new family are able to accomplish your goals, hopes, and wishes. I must say I really have no ill will for you, all I have is love and a heart full of confusion as to what I could have said or done that was so horrible that you have so easily tossed me out of your life. I guess I may never know, and at this point I don’t guess it matters. We have all moved on with our lives, trying to make sense of the situation, and realizing there really is no solution, fix, or answer that will ever make this right. If you never speak to me again remember I think of you, want all the best for you, and hope one day you will be back in my life. You know life is short and regrets will eat you alive. No matter how many mistakes I have made along the way I have no regrets, just hurt and confusion, but I hope you don’t end up 10 years from now and regret your decision on the day you decided you didn’t need or want me in your life, as that is a decision you can never make right, no matter how much time passes. Till next time…

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